my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
