I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
