im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
