I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The power of my boobs compel you
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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