i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
