I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
