how can u be prego again
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
