I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
