so that wasnt chicken after all
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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