There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
