How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
