Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
