When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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