my mouth tastes like poor choices
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
