the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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