Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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