I threw up into my coffee this morning.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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