Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I bet he comes in French.
two words...techno handjob
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
