That's intense
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
