You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
