I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
