mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
