i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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