your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Having a random hookup so left but love u
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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