I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
