o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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