saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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