well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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