That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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