You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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