Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
