Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
