The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
