im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's shark week go big or go home
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
