My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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