just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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