Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Still dying that you shit outside
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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