Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
