batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
