Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
