They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i love accidental penises.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
