i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
