im six kinds of drunk right now
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
