So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
