I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
