I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
