Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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