dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
