The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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