she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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